2.5 Star Science Fiction
Appropriate for: Most; someone gets their legs cut off as they begin to burn alive, but you should really be expecting that….
Appeal - 7
You know the old saying. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, well, it's probably a Star Wars movie and I don’t care. But, like someone who has seen a few rough relationships, we went into Episode III with our guard up. We weren’t gonna give up on Star Wars, we just weren’t gonna get hurt this time.
That said, Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader in this movie, and that's what all this business has been about.
Production - 8
Revenge of the Sith is just as visually stunning as its predecessor. However, it misses one particular mark. Ian McDiarmid had originally played the emperor in 1985’s “Return of the Jedi”, but for the prequels, he did not get a new groove, or, more traditionally, new clothes. He got new prosthetics. And oddly, they aren’t very good. I only say this because I’m comparing them to the 80’s prosthetics. Here. You can too.
This is 1985...
This is 2005...
Very possible I'm nitpicking, but I feel like if you’ve got an example in front of you, and 2 decades of innovation behind you, at least be able to match the original.
Storytelling - 6
The first half of this movie is more of a glorified “Clone Wars” episode; wrapping up story elements that were never going to tie into the broader picture anyway. Once “order 66” is given about halfway through the movie, things really start to pick up steam. You may actually find yourself engrossed for a moment or two.
Performance - 4
Sith’s diverse pedigree of actors span across the board to the edges; some actors delivering well thought out performances (looking at you Ewan), some offering much less convincing takes, being pummeled by writing that does them no favors. Portman and Christensen’s final dramatic scene delivers like a high school play. Although, with much respect to high school drama everywhere, I suspect some of their plays are better. The entirety of the prequels can sometimes feel like watching an NBA team with several middle schoolers on the roster; it's pretty obvious which ones are which, you just wonder who hired the 11 year old to guard LeBron.
Alas. You get what you get and that’s all there is to it. Without these actors and actresses, these movies would merely be a reel of windows desktop backgrounds. And for that, I thank them.
And since we’re being so graceful right now, why not dole out some awards for the whole prequel saga!
Award recipients will not be notified, nor do I think they would wish to be.
Best performance by a droid - R2-D2 - My man! If you don’t love this little guy, you haven’t seen Star Wars. Not only does R2 deliver his lines with perfect dialect, but his jokes land and he does his own stunts. One could argue that R2-D2 has done more to save the galaxy than anyone else. As a matter of fact, if you are a main character in Star Wars, all the way through to the modern movies, chances are very good that this droid has literally saved your life at least once.
Worst performance by a droid - Hayden Christensen - This blow may be so low it misses….
Best Single Movie Role - Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jinn (Episode I) - Unfortunately Qui-Gon pulls the ole Eddard Stark, and the next two movies are worse for it.
Best Villain - General Grievous (Episode III) - From out of nowhere!! Let’s be honest, it wasn’t going to be the emperor. Most of his intrigue rests in the fact that no one knows he’s a sith. No one except for us…the whole time. It wasn’t going to be Vader. He has much better moments yet to come. Many many kudos to the Maul. Truly, of all the menaces in the prequels, Darth Maul menaces the most. But sheer potentiality is why I’m giving it to Grievous. He’s a droid but not. He’s got four arms and uses lightsabers with them. I absolutely would not have minded him being around the whole time. He also coughs a lot. Like really a lot.
Best Jedi who is not Yoda, Obi-Wan or Qui-Gon Jinn - . . . This one’s just blank . . . I see you glaring at me over there Samuel L Jackson.
Best Female performance - That lady who’s in charge of the Jedi archives (Episode II) - not a very full field here. Natalie Portman asked that she be disqualified from the running, due to shame and some PTSD, while the other female performer that comes to mind is Anakin’s mom. She was great in Episode I, but her death scene in Episode II weirds me out.
Best Male performance - Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi - He’s the glue that holds these movies together, and the fact that he managed it, should warrant him a large yearly stipend from LucasFilm in perpetuity.
Best performance by a Gungan - Okay. This one just has some expletives and a picture of a middle finger pointing at George Lucas….
Best scene stealer - Natalie Portman’s wardrobe - At times, it can be stunning, but you may find yourself going, “I’m sorry, what were they talking about? I was looking at that thing on her head.”
Made the most of it - Jimmy Smits as Bail Organa - You may not even know who I’m talking about. But I bet you like him when you see him.
Best lightsaber battle - Obi-Wan vs. Anakin (Episode III) - We dabbled in galactic politics, we dipped our toes in the excitement of pod racing, we learned more than we ever thought possible, or would ever have asked for, about one sentence in the original Star Wars movie that mentioned the “clone wars”. We suffered through the romance, and gawked at the stunning CGI, but this, this was the moment we had all been waiting for. Say what you will about any other aspect of these movies, but this scene is awesome! It should already say a lot that this scene beats Darth Maul’s battle with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan from Phantom Menace. Ray Parks is brilliant, but it's the narrative impact that puts this final scene at the top. And now I’m going to truly applaud Hayden Christensen. Both he and McGregor obviously put in the training for what would be a marathon of fight choreography. They both come through, Christensen giving the character a believable physicality that allows this scene to pack its full punch. As a more than bite-size bonus, it's also cut together with everyone's favorite little green guy (no, not Kermit) going toe to toe with big ole bad Emperor Palpatine. Does this scene pay off everything it owes after 3 movies? No. But you will leave with something in your pocket.
And finally….
Best Scene - That very very first one (Episode I) - When our hopes and dreams were still alive.
Sentence Synopsis: And thus concludes the longest, most expensive movie prologue of all time…. Please be seated and enjoy Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope.
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