2.2 Star Science Fiction
Appropriate for: anyone who was old enough to watch the first one
Appeal - 6
After Phantom Menace had failed to be the divine cinematic mana that fans had so longed for it to be, there was a dark uneasiness beginning to lurk in our minds. Nothing we would admit, but deep down it was there. Should we have left the greatest sci-fi trilogy of all time alone? It was a rhetorical question. We wanted more Star Wars. We are, after all, human.
Now chances are, that if you ask a man for candy and he kicks you in the balls, he will kick you in the balls when you ask him for candy. Yet we asked George Lucas for more candy….and he kicked us in the balls. Although in George Lucas’ defense, I don’t think he was trying to.
I for one, had deeply suppressed my misgivings, and gave in freely to the excitement once again. Attack of the Clones came out in May of 2002, and at the time, I was on a European studies tour nailing down some final credits before finishing the last semester of my degree in the coming fall. We were in beautiful Paris the week it opened and of the 4 nights we were there, I spent two of them tucked happily into a movie chair watching Attack of the Clones with French subtitles. I was not alone. A week later in London, we went to see it again at Odeon square. I remember it being the most expensive movie ticket I had ever bought. 20 pounds (about 25$ at the time). At this point I should mention that I also saw the 90’s version of Godzilla 3 times in the theater, although not while abroad. Point is, that’s really not a good indication of quality.
Production - 9
Of the three prequels, Attack of the Clones is the shiniest. The CGI, which is basically all things without an audibly talking human face, is brilliantly polished throughout the entire film, and the number one reason to watch this movie. There is almost more enjoyment in ignoring the plot and just looking around the scene. For example, there is a scene in which Obi-wan finds himself seeking information at a less than upstanding establishment. As he takes a seat at the bar, only to be offered “death sticks” by one of the local denizens (maybe the worst drug name ever; I wonder if he also offers “coma pops”?), the monitor above him is broadcasting footage of two teams of droids playing a pretty familiar Sunday sport. It’s undeniable proof that the same Galaxy were Luke Skywalker will prove himself a Jedi and redeem his father, the Dark Lord Vader, from certain darkness; that same galaxy has robot football. Now we know that. Cue the John Williams music.
Strangely enough, I think this example hits close to the core of why the prequels missed their mark. The original trilogy took itself seriously; a sensibility the modern day trilogy thankfully adapted once again. However the prequels, at times, can cross over the line into parodying their own content. Another good example would be those comical little battle droids who any respectable Jedi will slice up immediately and without effort. They are jarringly cartoonish. I admit, I chuckle at them. And having watched Star Wars’ animated tv sibling, “Clone Wars”, I would state their humor is original and well written. It just doesn’t quite fit. Sort of like if you took Star Trek, only removed Spock, and replaced him with Bart Simpson. Entertaining? Maybe, but it stretches the shows tone too tight to be truly immersive.
Storytelling - 3
There is a lot going on in this movie. Here’s some notable events and takeaways:
1. One of the only vehicle crashes in the entire Star Wars universe, that does not result in an explosion.
2. Sandpeople are absolutely the worst. They pillage. They torture. They murder… They also have adorable little children.
3. No one knows of, or pays any attention to the planet Kamino, the number 1 manufacturer of military might in the galaxy.
4. Yoda’s a big faker. He doesn’t need that cane…or floating chair!
5. You may not notice, but Anakin loves Padme.
6. Anakin will also get really mad and throw a tantrum if you murder his mother. How disgraceful.
7. Using 2 light sabers is a good way to break one.
8. You may not notice, but the emperor is bad.
In all honesty, for one who has the interest and the time, the aforementioned animated series “Clone Wars” tells this story with MUCH greater effect. You also get to avoid Hayden Christensen for another movie if you do it this way.
Performance - 4
Speaking of. Hayden Christensen does not nail the role of Anakin Skywalker. He forgot his hammer… and his nail. An aging James Earl Jones could possibly have done better, and then at least the voice would be the same.
Ewan McGregor does nail it… with a sledgehammer. His role as Obi-Wan throughout the prequels is probably the best thing to come out of the entire saga. There is an early scene in “Attack of the Clones” where Obi-Wan is urging an impetuous Anakin to emulate his own patience and wisdom. You can almost feel Ewan McGregor the actor, speaking through the script to Hayden Christensen the actor. I'm real good at this. Do it like me. Anakin nor Hayden listen to that sage advice. I will say, Christensen has been better in other movies, and they are all of the other ones he’s done.
Ian McDiarmid as Emperor Palpatine has his best movie of the series. Unfortunate he descends into some pretty bizarre choices (and some bad prosthetics) for the third and final prequel. Christopher Lee shines as the Emperor’s apprentice, the stately yet evil Count Dooku.
Natalie Portman’s still here trying her best to survive, while her character devolves from a capable and right thinking member of the galactic senate, into a swooning love struck maiden. Even Cartoon Yoda doesn’t deliver a good acting performance in this movie. He does make up for it with all those flips though.
Sentence Synopsis: Death sticks may be the better option.
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